Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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