i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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