I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
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