God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
