3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
