Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
