I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
