so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Randomize
