This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
