I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
