I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
