We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
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