i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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