dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
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