Screwed.edu
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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