I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
