my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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