Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
