i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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