I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
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