This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
