i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
