Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
