If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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