nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
