Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
