i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
