Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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