Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
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