In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Houston, we have a squirter
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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