i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
When are your genitals available?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
why is half of my head shaved?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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