...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
