whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
