you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Why did my mother make you get naked?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
