____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
