i think my tv is drunk
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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