I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
