i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
