life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
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