its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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