if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
