You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
