I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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