i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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