i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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