you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize