8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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