he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
