I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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