I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
