My entire life is one complicated drinking game
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
