Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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