I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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