I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
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