We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
