I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
