And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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